Ironwood's Insane Academy
by Mooarge
Summary: Team RWBY are sent off to Atlas as part of the student exchange program. Sounds easy right? Well as it turns out it may not be so, especially not when the staff at Atlas's most prominent academy are all completely insane!
1. Arriving

Atlas Airport

Ruby was so excited! She didn't think that her team would be the ones to participate in the exchange program but she was certainly happy that they were!

As she stepped off the plane she took a look at her surroundings. Atlas was a cold country and the capital city itself was almost constantly covered with a full sheet of snow. In addition that architecture of the place looked rather strange to her with most of buildings having dome like tops as opposed to the mostly flat tops she was familiar with at vale. People walked the same much like they did at Vale but everyone was dressed in much thicker clothing due to the much colder climate. "Wow! Atlas is so cool looking!"

"That was a bad pun!" A voice called out from within the plane.

"Oh chill out Jack." A second voice scolded the first "It's not like it's not anything to get frosty over."

"Grey if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times STOP WITH THE COLD PUNS!"

"Never! My Avalanche of pure comedy shall not be silenced! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

As the sound of a fight breaking out range throughout the plane Ruby's sister Yang and their teammates Wiess and Blake exited to vehicle to stand beside Ruby.

"Now Remember Ruby." Weiss began look around where supposed to be looking. "We are supposed to be looking for the Vice Headmaster of Atlas Academy not sightseeing. It's going to be very hard because the guy doesn't really stick out in oh hey there he is!"

Just she finished talking Weiss pointed in the direction of the Vice Headmaster.

The Vice Headmaster in question was rather inhuman looking to put it mildly. His entire body amounted to a large pink ball with two large red ovals acting as feet and two stumps acting as arms. The only clothing the thing wore was a hat on top of its head.

"What's that?" Yang asked as she and Blake looked at the creature in confusion.

"That is the Vice Headmaster." Weiss answered flatly.

"We can see that." Blake raised an eyebrow "But _what_ is it? It's clearly not human?"

"What do you mean not human?" Weiss crossed her arms before pointing at the "He's clearly a human, his hat even says he's a human."

Surly enough if someone was to look at Kirby's hat they'd see the words 'I am a human from Remnant and not a pink alien from a star shaped planet' written on it.

"You're joking right?" Yang asked completely thrown for a loop by Weiss's behavior.

"No I'm not." Weiss gave a flat reply as if she was talking to someone that acting crazy.

As Weiss argued with Blake and Yang Ruby was busy making her way to the Vice Headmaster in question.

"Ummmmm hi?" Ruby gave a nervous greeting.

"Hiiiiiiii!" The Vice Headmaster returned Ruby's greeting happily. "Poyo! Poyo poyo poyo poyo poyo poyo."

"Hehehehehehe" Ruby chuckled nervously "I have no idea what any of that meant."

In response the Vice Headmaster slapped one of his arm stumps against his face in the most adorable manner.

Ironwoods Office

General Ironwood was not having a good day. The assistant teacher of the anti-Grimm tactics division had wound up in another fight with the sword fighting instructor and the resulting clash had leveled a good portion of the school.

Normally he would task his number two man with rebuilding the entire thing but they were too busy greeting the new exchange students.

"So" Ironwood looked at the schools head chief, a white haired man named archer. "How did those two start fighting this time."

Archer rubbed the back of his head. "Well they got into a fight over…..food."

Ironwood raised an eyebrow. "Food?"

"Yes" Archer let out a disappointed sigh. "Saber and Alter had a but if an argument over what foods in the cafeteria were better and well you know those two are just looking for reasons to try and kill each other."

"We really need to assign someone to keep those two in check." Ironwood grumbled "Has the groundskeeper at least managed to keep zombies from infesting the front lawn again?"

"He has." Archer chuckled "I still have no idea where you got that guy, he sure is crazy though."

"Most of my staff is crazy." Ironwood said flatly as tapped something one of his data pads. "That is a fact that I've been resigned to for a long time."

"Well in that case I can say I'm glad I'm not you." Archer turned his attention to a human shaped hole in the wall. "Having to run around keeping all these lunatics in line has to be painful, but at least your bosses are relatively normal right."

Ironwoods right eye twitched.

"Or not." Archer took a step away from Ironwood's desk for safe measure. "So who did you send to translate for Kirby anyway? I mean only people from Atlas can understand him so it makes no sense to send him out alone."

"I knew I was forgetting something." Ironwood muttered under his breath.

Archer raised an eyebrow "Yeah a bit of an oversight on that part, so do you need me to go out and lend him a hand?"

"Please do." Ironwood turned his attention back to his tablet. "He is the most competent member of the staff his nature aside. I'd rather not put any more stress on him then I need too, especially in times like these."

Archer gave a nod "Alright then I'll be back shortly.

Atlas Airport

Meanwhile Weiss and Yang had continued their argument headless of Ruby and Kirby watching them.

"Poyo" Kirby said as he offered the leader of team RWBY a piece of popcorn.

"Thanks" Ruby replied happily as she took the popcorn in her hands. "I'm so sorry about all of this, usually Wiess and Yang don't argue with each other this much."

"Poyo" Kirby waved it off before patting Ruby on the back. "Poyo poyo poyo poyo poyo."

"Well I still don't can't understand you." Ruby looked confused for a moment before smiling "But I have a feeling you were trying to comfort me so thanks."

Kirby just gave Ruby his equivalent of a thumbs up. "Poyo!"

Atlas Academy Entrance

"Poyo poyo poyo poyo poyo poyo." Kirby pointed happily at the academy's entrance. It had taken him a while to get Ruby's team to the front entrance, especially with all the arguing they seemed to be doing. He really pitied poor Ruby she must have such a stressful time keeping them from doing something stupid. "Poyo poyo poyo poyo poyo poyo poyo poyo."

"Uuh does anyone understand what he's saying?" Yang asked as the assembled team RWBY followed the vice headmaster. "Because I sure don't."

Weiss rolled her eyes in annoyance. "He welcomed us to the academy, and warned us to stay off of the potato patch in the garden?"

"Why?" Yang asked "I mean shouldn't he want us to stay out of the garden in general, why the potato patch in particular."

In response to her question Kirby took the lid off of a nearby trashcan and threw it into the potato patch.

Almost immediately the trash can was blown up, sending fragments of metal and mashed potatos all over the general area.

"Uuuuuh ok.' Yang said looking at the area where the trash can landed in shock. "I can see why he wouldn't want us stepping in there."

"What kind of potato even does that?" Blake raised an eyebrow as the team passed the garden. "And what gardener would be insane enough to work with a plant that dangerous for that matter?"

"Poyo poyo poyo."

All of team Ruby looked at Weiss who crossed her arms in annoyance.

"What? Do I have to translate everything?" She scowled. "…fine he said the gardeners name is Crazy Dave."

"Fitting name." Blake deadpanned as Kirby got to the front door of the academy and opened it for team RWBY to get inside.

"Thank you." Ruby said entering the open door with the rest her team close behind.

Atlas Academy Main Lobby

When team RWBY entered the academy they found themselves greeted by Ironwood himself.

"Hello." Ironwood greeted the team of exchange students warmly. "I hope your trip here was pleasant."

"It was." Ruby said excitedly before looking at the rest of team "Also a little confusing at times but it was still great!"

"That's fortunate to hear." Ironwood remarks. "I was worried when I realized I'd forgotten to send a translator for Kirby. He may be good at his job but it can be difficult to understand what he's trying to say at times."

"Oh it wasn't too much of a problem." Ruby let out a nervous chuckle. "Honestly we were slowed down more by our own arguing more than anything else."

"Poyo poyo poyo poyo poyo poyo." Kirby said apply waving his hand before seeming to remember something. "Poyo poyo poyo poyo poyo."

"I see." Ironwood's eyes widened in shock as a white haired man approached the group. "Ladies it appears that the vice headmaster and I have some urgent business to attend too. Archer here will take over your to tour while we go to take care of it, we apologies for the inconvenience."

Almost immediately Ironwood and Kirby rushed off as a few soldiers appeared from down the hall.

"Should we be worried about that?" Blake asked in mild concern.

"It shouldn't be anything Ironwood and Kirby together can't handle." Archer noted as yet more soldiers and a spider shaped robot ran by. "Anyway is there any place you guys want to see first."

Before any of them could answer Ruby's stomach began to rumble.

"Uuuuuh." Ruby rubbed the back of her head. "Would the cafeteria be fine with you?"

"ALL GRIMM COMMUNISTS MUST BE ERADICATED!" A giant robotic called from outside as the sound of thumping was heard from outside for a moment. "DEMOCRACY IS NON NEGOTIABLE!"

"Sure" Archer shrugged basically ignoring the robot in question. "Follow me."


	2. At the Cafeteria

Atlas Academy Cafeteria

The cafeteria was a relatively well maintained structure. Good tables, modern facilities, and a nice view of the outside all combined to give Cafeteria an open and spacious feeling.

"And this is the cafeteria." Archer said as he entered the facility with team RWBY. "This is where I work alongside my fellows, lunch was just dismissed but I'm sure I can get the staff to bring you all something nice."

"It looks really nice." Ruby commented as she looked around.

"We do try out best." Archer smiled a little before walking up to the counter. "Hey Bob are you and Krieg still ready for some cooking?"

In response a rather large man with slightly darkened skin and a black mustache walked up to the counter on the other side. "Sure Archer." He said taking out a note pad. "I'm guessing these girls are the foreign exchange students that were supposed to visit today?"

"They are." Archer nodded in the affirmative.

"Oh ok then." Bob said before looking at team Ruby. "Tonight's burger night, so I hope you girls don't have any problems with burgers…I'd offer to cook something else if you wanted but all our other ingredients where destroyed in an accident."

"BUTTERFLIES ARE EVIL!" A shout was heard from the back.

"Sorry about that." Bob rubbed the back of his head. "Krieg was involved in the incident and it got him really riled up."

"Oh…well I hope he gets better." Ruby said looking at the psycho with no small amount of concern.

"We all do." Bob said look back into the kitchen before returning his attention to team RWBY. "He's actually a really nice guy when he's not trying to kill things, he just needs time to get to know you. Anyway should I get started on those burgers or are you not hungry right now?"

As if on cue the sound of four stomachs rumbling echoed throughout the cafeteria

"I think that would be a good idea." Ruby says blushing in embarrassment.

"Ok then." Bob said moving back into the kitchen. "Four burgers coming up."

With his peace said Bob disappeared into the kitchen as Archer and the girls sat down at a nearby table.

"Your school really has a..colorful band group of teachers." Yang said as she looked around the stable.

Archer just chuckled "If you think the staff's odd you should see the board of education."

Atlas Board of Education Meeting

"Alright." Began a man dressed in priestly attire and with empty eyes. "The first order of business is increasing number of Grimm attacks near Atlas academy. They are under control for now but they may become a threat if allowed to snowball, should we lend Ironwood additional funding?"

"I say we should!" A penguin with a hammer spoke up. "Ironwood needs all the help he can get if he's going if he's going to clobba those grimm in time."

"Now hold on." A green haired man said softy. "Ironwood should be perfectly capable of handling things himself and may need those funds for something else down the line. After all thus us a combat school if some of those kiddies get hurt during the process then I'm afraid to say but that's just the way a life of a hunter goes."

"Yes yes" Said a giant rat as looked around the room. "We agree with the Green haired Man thing. Wasting funds is not not good."

"I agree with the feeble minded Penguin!" A toaster on a foot stool proclaimed. "How can we destroy the world with nuclear hellfire if we do not have a secure base of operations first? I will not be deprived of my chance to destroy the world do you here me! I WILL NOT! I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL! JUST PUT YOUR HAND UN MY BREAD SLITS I DARE YOU!"

"It seems we are at a standstill." The empty eyed man said ignoring the screaming toaster. "Mister Luther do you care to weigh in?"

"I vote that we send Ironwood the additional funding." Lex Luthor replied as he clasped his hands together. "Ironwood's the best headmaster we've had in a long time, it would a shame if he were to die in combat."

"So it's settled then." Kirei concluded as he set up a calk bored. "Now it is time to discuss what we intend to do about that elementary school that burned down last week."

"BURN IT!" The Toaster screamed. "TEACH IT THE FOLLY OF DEFYING US!"

Atlas Academy Cafeteria

"Wow." Yang whistled as Bob place a plate with a burger on it in front of her. "How does Ironwood keep himself sane?"

"Who said Ironwood hasn't gone insane." Archer replied "Because I can tell you right now that no sane person would continue running a place like this."

"I don't see why not." Weiss commented as she look around. "This place doesn't seem that bad."

"Wait a minute." Archer narrowed his eyes as he examined Weiss. "Your Winter's younger sister aren't you?"

"Yep." Weiss commented happily "I take it you've met my older sister?"

"I've met her" One of Archer's eyes twitched. "…cardboard box obsession and all."

"Wiess's sister is obsessed with carboard boxes." Yang commented raising an eyebrow. "How'd that happen?"

"Let's just say that her mentor also had a thing for cardboard boxes and leave it at that." Archer let out a sigh. "Still at least the two of them are better than those hobos in red powered armor that keep sneaking into the academy and stealing our stuff."

"They don't like stealing weapons do they?" Ruby asked anxiously holding the compact form of her sniper scythe closer to her.

"If I told you they didn't I'd be lying." Archer replied placing a sword on the table. "I've had to re-create this same sword ten times already because they keep stealing my old ones."

In response Ruby held her weapon closer. "They sound like a bunch of monsters."

"A large number of our staff feels similarly." Archer chuckled "Once they even managed to steal the Vice Headmaster…he was not happy about the fact when he got back."

"I wouldn't be happy either." Yang commented having finished her meal. "What would those guys have even wanted that little pink puffball for anyway?"

"To help kill some guy named the Inheritor." Archer shrugged "I'm not in charge of retrieving the stuff all those red clad lunatics steal so I usually just ignore their shenanigans when they aren't causing trouble."

"I can't blame you." Yang replied as the other members of team RWBY finished up their meals. "So..uh where are you going to take us next?"

"I was thinking the gym." Archer crossed his arms. "It's fortified so it's one of the few buildings I can count of to not be destroyed at any given time."


End file.
